I’ve been reading the book, Bad Mother by Ayelet Waldman. Ms. Waldman is famous (among other things) for writing that she loves her husband more than her children. In fact, Oprah even hosted a show dedicated to a panel of mothers who hated Waldman for such a strong declaration.
I’m one of those people who reads a book from the table of contents straight through to the credits & even references if they have them. So, as I turned to the end there was a Reader’s Guide & it asked this question:
“What do you think of the author’s declaration that she loves her husband more than her children? Is there a hierarchy in your household among spouse, children, home, self? Do you think there is a right way to organize affections within a family?”
First off, Do I love my children more than my husband? No. Do I love my husband more than my children? No. I truly & honestly feel that the two loves that draw me to each of them are so significantly different & powerful that I could not say one is more than the other.
I have heard many a new mom tell me that they struggle with the overwhelming love that a parent feels for their child that it’s almost crushing. I can look at Lboy and my whole chest aches, almost painfully, because I can’t decide if I want to hug him forever or pinch his cheeks or give him kiss after kiss after kiss after kiss. I understand that innate, biological programming that we parents have, especially mothers I think, that makes us feel as though that love is stronger than a love for a spouse. Saying that it is overwhelming is an understatement!
I mean seriously (and comically), Lboy can pass gas & he looks at me with this sheepish grin & says, “Uh-oh. I tooted” & I think he’s absolutely adorable when he does it. It’s one of the cutest conversations we have (on a regular basis I might add.) If Todd passes gas? I’m usually turning green & swearing off baby making forever or at least until that funk that requires a gas mask clears away & is permanently erased from my memory.
See the love is different. It can’t be split so black and white into one versus the other.
To answer the second question of a hierarchy of household, I would say yes, Todd & I have definitely have the same mindset that our family operates as a household of Faith first, Spouse second, Children third , work fourth, and so on (obviously there is a fine line of where to put “self” on the list so that by taking care of ourselves we are taking care of our families, but for the purpose of this essay I am having to generalize somewhat & “self” was left off the list–I take care of myself by blogging! ;).)
We established this hierarchal order for ourselves as a couple before we were married. We wanted to make sure we were on the same page. We constantly have to recheck the list, examine it to make sure something isn’t being left off, that someone isn’t feeling left out, that we haven’t left ourselves out. It’s not etched in stone so much as it is a list that ebbs & flows to change with our daily lives.
Are there times when I have had to put Lboy before Todd? Yes. But I know that if I continuously put my child before my marriage, then I will have no marriage. It won’t work for us. Maybe it will work and works for other people. But not for Todd & me.
I think that in the parent-child relationship & in the spouse-spouse relationship we must find a delicate balance. A balance that realizes that there will be plenty a date night planned where a kid will get sick & Todd and I will more than likely spend our entire evening being vomited on by said sick kid.
There will be times when any sort of time Todd & I spend together has to be crammed between the hour and a half when a new baby won’t have to eat (did this a million times when Lboy was first born.)
There have also been plenty of times when I have had to ditch my anxiety ridden, mothering ways & leave Lboy with a babysitter so I can spend some one on one time with Todd. So we can reconnect, so we can remember how we make each other laugh, so we can simply walk hand in hand without carrying a kid, toys, sippy cup, & a diaper bag, so we can remember why in the heck we ever decided to make that crazy, yet amazing leap into marriage in the first place.
I often feel it’s unbelievable that I’ve been blessed with such a wonderful life that I can even write on this topic. For me, there is no love greater than the one I feel for Todd & there is no love greater than the one that I feel for Logan. I just think that’s the way it goes. And hopefully, with a lot of prayer & determination, that won’t ever change.
I agree with you in that the love I have for Klaw is so incredibly different than the love I have for Chris. I can’t compare them. Chris & I talked about this the other day, kind of. We both discussed how, in a life or death situation, we would choose Klaw over our spouse. He needs us and he is the future. It doesn’t mean that we don’t love each other enough, but it’s a choice we would both easily make and understand.
Having said that, we both believe it’s crucial to have a happy marriage in order for our family to be happy. We have to connect with each other physically and emotionally. Klaw can’t always come first. Preserving our marital connection is vital to our ability to raise Klaw. If something were to ever happen to end our marriage, I hope & pray we would be able to maintain enough of a positive relationship to still be a healthy example to our son.
Does that make sense?
I agree with your assessment: the love I have for my girls and the love I have for my husband are not competitive nor comparable. The task is to find a balance. But this balance what we spend our lives searching for…
I also have to agree that the love for my son can not fairly be compared to the love I have for my husband. & vice versa. However, when it comes to the balance you mention, our little family is still searching for it. Things moved incredibly fast for my husband & I. Not long after we were married, we were pregnant with Bubbie. Shortly after Bubbie was born the husband deployed and we had to put the 3 member household on pause. Now he’s been back since September 10′ and well… there’s a little girl on the way. Hopefully after she arrives we can finally have a fair shot at finding that balance. But I’m not betting on it anytime soon…. the Army may send him away, yet again, shortly after she is born as well 🙁
I think this is one of those trick questions like “Do you have a favorite child?” and no matter how you answer it, your either lying (by not being honest enough) or screwed (because you shared too much of the truth).
Love is a crazy thing, and I’m not conviced that we have to love people in order or by a list. Sometimes my love my my children is soul crushing and all consuming, sometimes my love for my husband in overwhelming and deep. I can’t answer that question with a comment or a blog post, it just would do it justice (Maybe that’s why she wrote a book) :).
My husband and I love by the motto “Family first, everything else second”. By family we mean eachother and our kids. Our faith is more than first, so it’s not in the motto.
That’s what works for us.
It’s very easy to make your life child-centered. But at the end of the day, your child grows up and leaves you (if you’re lucky, lol!) And once that child leaves, then you’re left with yourself and your spouse. You can’t neglect that part of your life, or else once that child leaves, you will feel you have nothing. Josh and I have always made plans for later on in life…of course, then we had Maura, our forever child, and so we’ve been nice and included her in those future plans 😉
Great post. I am not familiar with the book.
I agree. God, spouse, kids, family, friends.
It is hard sometimes, but all in all I think it is the best example for the kids.
I always have to stop and ask myself when I am letting a kid be the center of the world….”What am I teaching him?”
I like your way of hierach-ing things…is that even a word? But the faith first, then spouse, then children. I grew up that way, and as I look back I think I found a lot of comfort in knowing where I was on the list.
I haven’t read this book or heard about it but I think you are right that the love we have is different for our children and our spouse but it doesn’t mean that we love one more than the other. It is sometimes hard to find balance but it important that we make sure that we spend time with both our kids and our spouse.
Great post, Kate! In theory I agree with the hierarchy you outlined…faith, marriage, children…but things certainly don’t fit into a food-guide-pyramid-type structure in my mind. They are so intermingled, and I think that’s OK, too.
What I think is important – as completely overwhelming as the love for our children is – is, as you said, not to put it so far and so consistently before the other priorities in our lives, like our marriage. [Could that sentence get any longer or more convoluted??? Hope you followed me! 🙂 ]
Just as it’s important for our children to see Mommy and Daddy being affectionate towards each other, and even resolving arguments, I think it’s important for them to see us carving out time for each other apart from them. I think it’s healthy that they understand that “Mommy and Daddy need some time together”.
Similarly, someone said to me in a blog comment a while back that it’s important our children see us taking care of ourselves…that they understand Mommy needs to go get a pedicure from time to time, or sit by herself and have a cup of tea. I think that’s a great point, too. 🙂
I agree that there are 2 loves……still the tough question can be: if in a life/death situation and given a choice between your man and your baby, who would you choose? ….and I would choose my baby every time. it would be tragic and difficult, but I would always pick my baby….. does that mean I love my son more?
the heirarchy thing…my order changes daily. it’s never the same from day-to-day …moment-to-moment. sometimes I need to put me first. sometimes my son. sometimes Mike needs his time…..
for me….for the most part, faith usually comes last. it’s not that it’s not important….it’s just, to me it’s not AS important as my family. guess that comes from me not being a religious person. I’m spiritual and I believe, but God is not my focus. my family is 🙂 wonder if anyone else thinks that way??
great post!
Great post! I haven’t heard of the book, but after reading this I’m intrigued. I completely agree with you. The love I have for my husband is different than the love I have for my kids. I also know that I can’t always put one over the other. There has to be an equal balance, and that’s what we’re always learning to do. Sometimes our kids have to come first, and sometimes our marriage has to be a priority.
I think this is one of those trick questions that can’t be answered! I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks this way!
I agree with you and other commenters. I don’t think you can compare the love for your spouse and children. When I had my children, there was a totally different type of love that came to me. A kind that I don’t think I could give to anyone other than my babies 🙂 I believe I did see the topic on Oprah. I started reading “Bad Mother” a while ago but it did not keep my interest and I did not finish. I always said I would try and pick it up again.
Excellent opinions on the subject. My beliefs are very similar to yours. Isn’t is funny how a child can do something and you find it cute and cunning, but if done by your husband you want to sock him!
I find too that when the coach and I spend some quality time alone, it makes us a happier unit and better parents, that’s key for us!
I agree with you, Kate. It’s two different kinds of love. I think my love for my kids is all consuming in a way it never was for my husband. But, I’d kill to protect any of them. So there isn’t an order. I’m not sure I could read that book — good for you for stretching and challenging yourself!
Depends on the day… today I love my dogs more than my husband AND kids because my husband and kids were crabby all morning. The dogs were happy to see me with wagging tails and kisses.
All joking aside, I tell my kids that the love their mom & dad have for each other needs to be stronger than anything else to hold together a family. And although I love them dearly, I have to be completely on board with my husband or it all starts to crumble around us.
right on! I feel the same way in that I love my kids differently than my hubby. And the analogy you used with the “tooting” pretty much sums it up. 🙂 LOL! We also have the same hierarchy in that we’ve got to put faith first, then the spouse, then our babies, and then whatever else… but this IS tough to keep up with especially when our babies are little.
I’ve been dying to read a book! When did you make time to read a book? 🙂
My dad often told us he loved his mom more than us, and that their relationship was the most important one in the house.
He loves us A LOT, so I can’t imagine what he must feel for my mom 🙂
Firstly, I believe that we fall deeply in love with our babies and our young families. But speaking as a mother of older children – I have come full circle to know that my love for my husband is above and beyond that for my children. But that is because I am seeing them for the individuals that they have grown into and will soon enter the world as. Not as the babies and young ones dependent upon me for life.
I love my children dearly and deeply – but I have returned to the original state of the union with my husband where I have remembered where and why it all began. Between the two of us and our love for each other. The kids will grow and move away – and the relationship with my husband will be on the forefront of my mind. It is he that I will pass the days with while my children grow and live their own lives and create their own families.
I remember as a child asking my mother if she loved me more than my father. I remember feeling jealous of that relationship. But now – I hope to God she doesn’t feel that way. I hope that her love for my father is astoundingly greater than her love for me. Otherwise – I couldn’t bear the thought that I have been so incredibly busy with my own family now to have neglected such a love. I am quite sure that tho she adores me and her grandchildren – the love for my father is the ultimate in her life. Well – second to her faith…
Also – in saying that our love for our children is greater than for our spouse – does it not then open the dialogue to – “Are our children then supposed to love their parents with a greater love than their spouse?” Of course not. We want our children to be free to love their spouses with their whole hearts. So why would their be an expectation for us to love them more than our spouse?
Finally, I believe that men love their children completely- but their wives with a much deeper abandon than we as women could ever understand. Men love their wives with an intensity – that we often don’t realize. My husband is over 50 – we’ve raised a 25yo, 17yo, 15yo, 13 yo and 11yo – he loves his children deeply – but he is passionate about the day that the two of us will be alone and he will have my undivided attention like in our beginning. When a man chooses his spouse it is with intention of sharing a life side by side with his soulmate. The kids are part of the package. (Well at least that is how my husband has explained it to me…)
I hope that my husband and I have communicated our love for each other in such a manner that my children feel compelled to want the same for themselves. Each night I pray for the individuals that they will share their lives and love with – even though we haven’t met them yet. 🙂
I read that book a few years ago when I heard all of the hype about this discussion. While I don’t agree with a lot of the things she wrote, I have to say that it was a pretty interesting read. And I agree with you on the whole loving your husband/child more. I think that the love I have for my husband and the love that I have for my son are completely different and don’t really compare to one another at all. Great post today!
Interesting topic. I have not heard of that book. I agree the loves are different and not comparable. I do believe in putting my husband before my children(as hard as that is to type). One day the kids will be gone and I want my marriage to thrive after that day comes. I don’t want to wake up and realize I don’t know my husband. We’re best friends and we laugh, and I love him completely differently than my babies. not more-just different. GReat post!
I agree. They’re totally different. I think making your spouse a priority is very important. The happy couple means a happy baby. If we’re falling apart because weren’t out of order then, everyone suffers. Great topic!
Love this post. This is a question that my children ask me often. ”Do you love daddy more than me?” My answer is as most have said, that my love for my husband is different from that for my children, and that it cannot be compared.
This is a great post! I really enjoyed reading it! I completely agree…the love for your child and your husband are different.
I sent you another email about the stove…get back to me when you get a chance!
Our family operates the same way. I think it’s cool that you were able to find that in your husband when you didn’t meet in church (like we did), but rather on a trip. It’s not always easy to have faith be the binding force. I had many relationships before where faith was not anywhere in the picture (definitely not anywhere in my picture). I feel so blessed, like you, by my life.
Oh, and … I couldn’t say who I loved more. It varies and it’s always the same. It’s equal.
I don’t know how I could compare the loves they are so different. I chose to love my husband and he is amazing. But my son? I can’t even remember how I felt about anything without him in this world. I really need to think about this.
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Thought-provoking post, thanks for writing it. I agree that I love them differently. The balance has been elusive around here, though. Long long deployment separations have made is much more complicated. We simply need more couple time. This last weekend my son asked me if my husband is married to his boss. Yes, his boss. Seems he spends WAY too much time at work! 😉
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I LOVED this post! It is so nice to hear verbalized what I have always thought. I love my children more than words can say, but I love my husband in such a different way (and such an important way) that I feel my love for my husband can’t be compared at all with my love for my children. Having time with my spouse is so precious. Infact, my relationship with my children is sometimes greatly effected if my time with my husband is too limited. Thanks for this insightful verbalization of how both husband and children are just as important but in different ways!
Although the two kinds of love are different as a whole, there is a big part that is comparable.