I thought I’d share this story. I actually never planned on writing about depression, but for some reason I haven’t been able to “shake” this post from my head. The only way to stop thinking about it was to get it on “paper.” So, here it goes….
My first experience with depression was when I was in the fifth grade. I watched someone I loved a lot suffer through it. It felt like a long time in my little kid brain, but when I was older I asked how long it lasted and it had only been about two months.
In fifth grade each student was assigned to their home room and then they changed classes for two periods: math and religion. Both were taught by the same teacher. This woman was awful. I can’t remember a single time she was ever kind to me. There were kids she loved, there were kids she didn’t like, but she HATED me.
Because our family was going through a hard time, my grades fell that fall semester. There was one day in particular when I was sitting in math class with that evil teacher and she picked me to answer a question from the homework I should have done the night before.
Only, I hadn’t done my homework. And she knew it before she had called my name. She picked me out from everyone on purpose and said, “Kate, can you please tell me why you don’t have your homework done and why your clothes are wrinkled?” And then she went on to tell the whole class WHY she thought my clothes were wrinkled and WHY my homework wasn’t done. I knew at 10 years old that this GROWN woman was deliberately picking on me. I just sat there and cried while she told my classmates what was going on with my family–which was none of their business. (Seriously, why would a 50 year old woman pick on a 10 year old?!)
My second experience with depression was when I was 22 years old. It was Spring Break of my 1st Senior year of college (I went to school on the 5 yr program 🙂 and I was supposed to go to Honduras for a mission trip. The day before I was scheduled to leave I came down with a fever of 102 and was sick.as.a.dog. I didn’t make it to my flight and ended up going home. Miraculously enough, my fever disappeared within a day. To this day, I don’t think I was ever meant to go on that trip.
Once I got home I was told that the same person from before was on the brink of having a second, huge, battle with depression. We were told by a therapist to act like you would if you had a virus, basically don’t push yourself just relax. So we read books, took lots of naps, went to the movies, went for walks in the park, and spent time doing fun, relaxing things. That person told me when I was leaving that I had saved them by coming into town that week. They never sank into the deep hole of depression. I learned that week, that I had done more charity at home than I could have done in Honduras (Charity begins at home right?)
My third experience with depression was my own. I’m pretty sure I had been in a depression for a year before I ever really, fully understood what was happening. It just progressively got worse and then I crashed shortly after I was engaged. I was worried that Todd wouldn’t love me anymore & that he would bail or he would think I was crazy. Instead, he dug his heels in and helped me through it. It was that unconditional love & understanding from him (and other people in my life at the time) who really helped me out. I remember every time I would talk to my dad he would tell me, “Trust me, you will find light at the end of the tunnel. Just plough through it.”
When I was pregnant I was constantly in fear of Postpartum Depression. I was worried that since I had problems in the past, I would definitely get PPD. It never happened though, it was smooth sailing after Lboy was born (depression wise, getting spit up on & pulling all nighters, not so much fun!)
I have a hard time remembering that there are people out there who think that people who suffer from depression are crazy. I wasn’t raised that way, I don’t think that way, and there aren’t many people in my life who haven’t at one time struggled with a chemical or situational depression.
I hope that someday, everyone will have the attitude that “Depression is real. Depression sucks. But it happens. It isn’t forever. People can find the light at the end of the tunnel. It doesn’t have to own you.”
Thanks for sharing, at these times the people around us, are so important, negative people, complaining people are just to draining when you are already feeling down. But best of all, when we learn to identify it and do something about it. Have a blessed 2011.
Great post! I feel the same about anxiety. Unless you have suffered from it…you really can't judge or begin to understand how that person feels. Thanks for sharing! Take care, Andrea (mollyandluke.blogspot)
Nice post! I'm glad you got through it. Depression isn't fun. I've had my own experiences with it. Never "severe" depression, but definitely mild and enough to need some medication and therapy. I too am not of the midset that depression means you are crazy and a "bad person" or that there is something wrong with you. It happens and it sucks – but you can get through it (for the most part). I was worried when I was pregnant with my first son that I would get PPD. I stayed on medication throughout my pregnancy and was fine. With this pregnancy, I haven't been on medication (and I haven't been on medication for years) – and so far, I'm fine. I am very conscious of it though and have talked with my husband about keeping an eye on it and me. If it starts, I need to do something about it. For me the depression is generally combined with anxiety and related to my perfectionistic tendencies. It's all a big "mess" – I still do therapy about twice a month and I think that really helps me to stay "in focus" and maintain a healthy attitude and mood. It's all about balance and it can be rough – but so far, I'm doing well.
Thank you for sharing your words about depression. I was also concerned about post-partum depression, but only had the "baby blues" for about a month – nothing serious. I hope that there is a weight lifted off your shoulders now that you have shared. 🙂
Melissa! This is me to a T, except I don't go to therapy anymore. But I do have her on speed dial just in case (she is a family friend at this point in our lives)…This is exactly how I was…it was a mild depression, totally situational, and ANXIETY is always a trigger point for me.
I was on meds through my pregnancy, but have been off of them since July 2009 for both depression & anxiety. It was very very freeing to be off of them!
But, I figured my anxiety should be a WHOLE different post since it is it's own can of worms! lol
This is a great post, and so true! I've been pondering an entry in my head for a little while now about it as well. My husband suffers from it and it SUCKS so bad to be the "other" person in the relationship. It's hard, and draining. So yeah, thanks for posting this.
And really, my blood just started boiling that that teacher would act that way toward you. My heart sort of broke a lot thinking of you as a 10 year old being ridiculed by an adult IN FRONT of the class. So lame. That woman should be punched.
Well said! I'm always caught by surprise when people don't understand, too.
Yup! I talk about it and try to build awareness of it for other people. My main issue is anxiety, ESPECIALLY since becoming a mom!
WOW! You have a powerful story about this topic!
I wish I could have gone into more details, but you tend to be limited to what you can say in a blog post…I hope this isn't the last time I write about it!
And helping other people through awareness that it's normal and it happens. Some people have situational depression that happens once in a lifetime. Others have clinical that happens throughout lifetime. Others have both or PPD….I just wish people would understand they aren't alone!
It's hard to watch family members go through it and to feel helpless. I've heard a friend of mine who suffers from depression say that the spouse can only handle so much, so she tries really really hard to make it easier (when they can.) I look forward to reading your post about it if you do write about it. Sorry to hear that your husband has such a hard time with it, sucks for everybody!
Thanks for sharing your story. I have delt with sad feelings but it seems when I walk in gratefulness they go away. I have forgiven people in my life who have hurt me and it has helped to set me free. I have to depend on God on a daily basis to ask him for joy, peace, and love which are the fruits of the Holy Spirit. Sometimes I also need some extra prayer from a friend.
I know exactly what you mean about culture shock! I was only there for a summer and I had a hard time with it. And then by the time I had adjusted, I was almost done with the trip…gah!
I can only imagine how it would be if you decided to stay for an extended amount of time.