Truth Time! You see, I used to tell people I wanted to be a professional Indiana Jones, only the hot girl version :). I was a history grad student & I thought it was going to take me on all these trips around the world & I was going to be digging through the archives of dusty, old libraries searching for answers from the past. Yeah, then I had a kid & I had to get practical (for my lifestyle anyways.)
Todd is going to Guatemala this summer (required for his masters degree program.) We all know that I have major anxiety— this is no secret. So, yes I’m nervous about the normal stuff that comes along with travelling. But, what I’m mostly nervous about in regards to this trip is actually hard for me to talk about without getting choked up.
You see I was supposed to go on this trip. We’ve known about it since before we found out I was pregnant, but once I found out I was going to be a mom, I knew I’d never make it down there.
I’m just going to clarify that I’m not nervous about him coming back a changed person & not loving me & all that blah blah blah nonsense, but what if he sees me differently because I chose not to go?
I am no longer the chick that wants to go hike Mt. Kilimanjaro, go backpacking for days on end, or someone who wants to head off to Latin America for an extended amount of time. Well, I want to do these things, but I feel like I can’t or maybe I just won’t–it’s complicated. Those dreams, hopes, desires have been put on a shelf until a later day. And I don’t know when or if they will ever come back down. I don’t know if I’ll ever be the kind of woman again who will freely pack up & just leave. I’m completely & selflessly attached to another little being now.
Now, I feel like a frumpy stay-at-home mom who has chosen to stay behind with the kiddo while dad goes off to play Indiana Jones. I am no longer adventurous, daring, or brave. I’m scared all the time, I’m constantly worrying & stressing, and this new, overly cautious person that has emerged is driving me insane!
This new woman is definitely different. She’s smarter in a way, she definitely has a new knowledge base, she’s more nurturing, she’s sweeter, but she’s also more tired, doesn’t seem to have as much spunk (because she’s tired), she’s not as daring, or outspoken. I think this woman used have fixed hair, awesome clothes, a perkier rack, less bags under her eyes, & a great shoe collection.
Now, she’s constantly overwhelmed, she’s still wearing the same clothes she was wearing 3 summers ago, constantly has a mess she is cleaning up, & the list of differences are never ending. Her world shifted the day she read that pregnancy stick, it shifted around this tiny little life. In that moment, the girl she had been turned into the woman she is now. And I don’t think that she has quite gotten used to the fact that she views the world so differently.
You know what. I’m going to be 100% honest. It’s not Todd that I’m worried about judging me or looking at me differently for not going, it’s the face staring back at me in the mirror.